Thoughts

How do you say what you want to say when you have so much to say that you can't say anything? That is kind of how I am feeling right now. Sometimes life comes at you full force and the only thing that you can do is jump up to catch the wave, and hope that you end up where you want to go. Sometimes life is still and quiet and you don't know what to do, except to breath in the stillness of it all and know that it will not always be this way. The trick is to not long for the one when you are looking at the other. We have to learn to enjoy every stage of life that we go through. Every once in a while, however, we are caught on the thin thread that is the middle. We are on the edge of both scenarios, and through the stillness you can see the waves coming. This is about how I feel. 

As I am sitting here writing this, I find myself really wanting to explain myself to you, to tell you exactly what is going on in my heart and mind, but every time I type the words they don't seem right. How do I say what I want to say? This question has been one that I have been asking most of my life, and though today I am referring to something specific, in general, this is a question that is always in my mind. I feel like I keep throwing words up into the air and none of them are coming down the same way they went up. I can see the waves coming, I know where I want them to take me, but I don't exactly know if that is where I will end up. 

My life seems to be going in a thousand different directions, and my heart is in many places. I am excited to see how it will all come together eventually, what God will do with it all, but for now I guess I just need to focus on the next step. You have to maintain a balance, if the only thing that you look to is what you are doing then you will never see where you are going or where you have been, but if your eye is always too far ahead then you will never see where you are. I guess my best option is to look to Him, because He is the beginning and the end.

Life Choices.

Dear Friends and Family,

Well, I am beginning to get close to March 20th, which is my original departure date, and at the moment I have two problems: 1. I would like to extend my ticket and come home either at the very end of June, or the beginning of July, but I am not exactly sure if I will be able to as I am not sure weather it is a 6month ticket or a 1year ticket. And that leads me to issue number 2. I have no idea really how long I am going to be here. Even if I am able to extend, honestly I would like to come home for a few months and then come back, possibly long term. The issue here is that I don't know what to put my time and effort into. How seriously should I pursue learning Indonesian if I will be gone in a month? I have started getting a ride on a motorbike to school and borrowing someones helmet, if I am going to stay I should just go ahead and buy my own helmet right?

The second half of this issue is that since I am getting ready to go home, people have begun (or seemingly begun) to write me out of their life, they don't want to get too close because they know that it will not be long term. I am ok, but it is still hard. Things like "Oh no, she won't be coming to the wedding, she will be gone by then." Which is technically true, and I don't blame him for saying it one bit, but at the same time....I wish I could be there! I love them both. I am kind of afraid of giving my heart to them any more. I know that this is just fear, but it is still real, and in my face. If I am going to be here for the next 5 months, then I will know what I need to do, but if I am going to be here for another 2 to 4 years (which is what I would like) then that is an entirely different matter, and we need to figure out what I need to do. I am a procrastinator, so it is a good idea to get started now I think.

I have a vision for what I would like to do here, but I am hesitant to start, I need to step out of my comfort zone some, and I am ok with that, but at the same time, is it the right thing? What do I need to do to make it work? How should I pursue this? I still pray every day, I am constantly seeking His face and opinion on the matter. I feel really vulnerable sharing this fear with you guys, but I feel like it is time to be open. Another thing...I really need to buy a new computer, if I am going to stay here I should get one here, if not then I should buy one in the U.S. None of this seems like a big issue as I type the letters into words, but the feeling is looming around me, even as I pray. The uncertainty, the fear, the knowing that I should be brave, the knowing that I should "simply trust". Sometimes I feel very alone, sometimes I feel that this is exactly where I should be. It seems like a good thing that I don't make my decisions based on just feelings. Fear or Faith right? 

Fear or faith....fear or faith....the answer is obvious, but not easy. How do I walk it out? What do I do tomorrow? I guess I learn Indonesian, and teach English. I guess this is as much of an update as I can give right now. Prayer, as always is appreciated. Know that you all are in my heart, I am constantly think of and praying for you. 

Until next time,  Me