Raw Poem

Sometimes it is all that you can do to keep your heart in one piece. Through the noise, through the pain, through the joy, or through the rain. All you can do to stand there while the world spins around you and you go from the greatest to the least. My mind is spinning around and around in a whirlwind of dust, people speaking here and whispering there, I'll do what I must. The joy, the light they come rushing by my side, but all around me I see the shadows of things that cannot hide. Sometimes I leap, I sing and I laugh, I look to the good Shepherd who is there with his staff, and yet they go, they come, they walk by or they stare. They make their own decisions, they do what they want, they don't really seem to care. People, people all these people all around me with things to do and say and be, but what is the truth, what do they seek, what does it have to do with me. My heart is beating fast, but slows to a rythm that I know, what once was fast, now becomes slow. Do I sit in the dark and wait for the light, perhaps I know this will be a long winters night. I must lift my eyes I must look to see, I will find the one who created me. There is one who cares, one who knows, the one who sings, and the one who grows. I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, creator of Heaven and Earth

Happy Sunday

God is so good, you know this week there was a very difficult situation that I had to deal with, I can’t go into the details, but I can tell you that I spent most of Saturday trying to get out of the emotional slump that it put me in. I tried to read, and it didn’t work, I tried to write, to watch a movie, to sleep, to hang out with friends, to pray, nothing seemed to be working; no matter what I did, I was stuck in this place of irritation and not knowing what to do. Finally that night I was praying and I just said, “God, there is nothing that I can do, you have to help me, I can’t even get over the emotions, let alone deal with the problem.” And I felt a little better, I finally ended up just going to sleep and trusting God to help me in the morning.

I woke up on Sunday morning and immediately remembered about my situation, and a bad mood started to get on me, but I decided to put on worship music as I got ready for church. (a trick that my mom taught me) and you know, by the time I got to church I was feeling ok, I already had plans to hang out with my friend Yuli afterwards, and I thought that things would be ok. I cannot even tell you how much fun church was yesterday. I don’t even know what happened really, but I thouroghly enjoyed worship, I was able to go right up into Heaven, and the praise songs were just fun. I was able to understand the message, which is really nice, these days I can generally understand, but there is still a lot that I miss, but this week was better than most. After church I was invited to go to lunch with some friends (including Yuli) and afterwards she and I just decided to walk around and have fun. We were lucky in that it was not too hot, and we just had a really sweet time of connecting with each other. In case you’ve forgotten, Yuli used to be my roommate, but moved down to Salatiga a few months ago to be closer to both school and work. We see each other often, but rarely have time just to hang out and be friends, and I have really missed her. We ended up walking all over the place, she showed me her new place, and then we went and got coffee. Afterwards she decided to come back to Penuai with me and stay, and we went down together the next day on the bus. It was a simple day, not too much happened, and it wasn’t what I would call exciting, but I think that God knew just what I needed. It gave me enough time to process this other thing, which is still not finished being dealt with, but I feel good about it, and I feel like I am now able to think about it and decide (with a calm mind) what needs to be said and done, which is really good as it is a delicate situation, and as we all know, it is never good to just rush into delicate situations with guns blazing, or in complete silence, which before, were the two options. So anyway, I just want to take a moment to say that God is amazing, and I am so thankful for the simple fun day that I had, and I am thankful for my friend Yuli. God bless you my beautiful friend, never forget that just by being you and doing what you do, God can heal someones heart, you do more than you know.  

"Miss, I don't know!"

Three weeks ago I began teaching an English class once a week, I am trying a new method that I have been working on to get them to actually use the language. You see, most of my students here have been studying English for 2-3 years already, and have a basic understanding, the only problem is that the bulk of this understanding is through reading and writing, and if I speak to them, they have no idea what I am saying because they cannot see it. Actually I have run into this problem all over Indonesia, most Indonesians have in fact studied English, even up to 7 years, yet they still cannot speak it or understand the spoken word when they hear it. The other thing that I have found is that there are many Indonesians who can understand English, and yet still cannot respond to a question, or really speak it at all. 

As I have been here I have been trying to figure out a simple easy way to get the kids used to using the language, used to hearing it, and used to putting things in the right context. So, one of the things that I have decided to do is to write down a simple conversation, something that I would hear in the supermarket back home, and to read it to them, then they can repeat it, all the time making sure that they understand what the conversation means. After they have read it a few times and repeated it more times than they would like, I make them act it out....I don't know if this is the best method, but I believe that if they can hear what they are reading  perhaps they will be able to understand, at the same time I am trying to get their tongue used to the English words. 

The problem I have faced is that these kids know English, they just don't think they know it. If I speak to them and ask them a question they will undoubtedly say that they do not understand, every time. However, the other day I was talking to a student in Indonesian, and I could not for the life of me figure out what he was trying to say, so I just yelled out "Man, I don't understand, what are you trying to say?!" One of the other kids laughed and repeated what I had said in Indonesian, the only thing was that the kid who understood and immediately translated is one of the ones who does not think he will ever be able to speak English! I pointed it out to him straight away, "You see!" I said, "You understood that and translated it correctly, you can speak English!" He immediately blushed, but there have been a few instances like that. It is difficult to teach kids who don't think they can learn, but Glory to God, we are on our way!

Thoughts of Home

I've been thinking a lot about home this week, I know that I still have a lot more time before I go home, but at the same time, with every day that day gets closer. I know that God has all in His hand, and His plan, and His timing, and that His plan is the best one...but I have also been meditating on the scripture Proverbs 16:9 "A mans heart plans his way, but the Lord directs His steps." How true this is. I may plan my way, but it is Him that gets it moving...at the same time, while the Lord is ultimately in charge, we must actively participate in the planning of our lives. I have been here learning Indonesian, learning about the culture, working out relationships and making connections, and I am waiting to see what God will do; the only difficulty is beginning to turn my heart home and yet still give it all that I have while I am here; it's the uncertainty that kills.  

I remember when I went home last year (it has been over a year now y'all, crazy!) and how I was so happy to see everyone, but how I just missed Indonesia so much, how I missed the kids, the friends, everything, and honestly I am scared that that is going to happen again. I guess this is kind of an emotional blog today, and it's not going to be very long, but I wanted to stop by and say hi, I also thought I could send you a prayer request. So, please pray that I get some direction, and that I am able to gracefully transition when the time comes, even if it's not for a while. I love you all dearly. 

Me

Life

I love Easter, I love spring, I love Passover, and I love celebrating life, but I have discovered that in America, we often take Easter Sunday (Passover, Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and so on and so forth) for granted. This was my first year celebrating Easter in another country, and it was very interesting. We celebrated much the same way that we would in the States; bright colors and an extra service, but this was different. I was sitting in the town square watching the festivities when my friend leaned over and said “This only happens here, if we were in Jogja (the next city over) we would be bombed for doing this.” What a statement!

Honestly, this was the same thing that we did at Christmas, and it wasn't that big of a deal, the Muslims didn't say anything, nor did they do anything, and everyone was happy to leave it all alone, but this was not Christmas, this was not the promise, this was the fulfillment. It is one thing to say that Christ was born, but another thing entirely to say that He is risen. In the last few weeks there have been some “missionaries,” men who had become Disciples of Christ while still going to church in the Mosques and talking to others about how Yesus (a prophet in the Koran) is more than just a prophet, but the son of God, who have been arrested. Their families have gone into hiding, and we are not sure what is going to happen to them. I also had the chance to talk to some men who had come out of their former religion and into Christianity, there was one who was taken and beaten when he converted, and when he went home his wife was gone…to this day, 7 years later, he has no clue where she is, or if she is even alive, and has been raising his daughter alone. We are not playing games.

I am reminded of a quote by C. S. Lewis that says “If we do not believe in Christianity, let’s put it in the museums where it belongs, but if we do believe in it, then let’s stop pretending that it doesn't matter.” Christianity is not passive by nature, and we as Christians must begin to do something. I am tired of seeing people who sit and talk all day but never set foot in a homeless shelter, or do anything inconvenient, and I am also sick of seeing ministers who are so busy with ministry that they have neglected to teach any of their followers how to even pray for someone.  Our lives should be completely sold out for Jesus, I know you have heard that term, but we should start believing it…as I am writing this, the Islamic call to prayer is just starting…for the 5^th time today. How many Christians would stop what they were doing to take ten minutes to pray….even once, let alone 5 times in one day.

I could keep saying this until I was blue in the face….in fact, maybe I should keep saying this until I am blue in the face, I have a reason to say it; He is Risen! He is alive! Who else can say that? We may not always understand what He is doing, or even necessarily agree with it, (such an American way of thinking!) but we must follow the Life! I remember reading when Jesus said that the disciples had to eat His flesh and drink His blood; that was an offensive statement, it still is in fact, and many people left…but when He asked the 12 Peter said “Where else have we to go Lord?” Where else can we find life? We have nowhere else to go, and yet we stay, not only because we are ruined for the world, but because we have found something that is greater than anything else around us, something outside of us.

What an interesting thought that the thing worth dying for is life; that the only way to get life is to die. That we have all died in with Him, and that He will raise us up. Does this actually make any since? Well not to some, but to me, it makes more since than anything else. I want to end this with another quote by C. S. Lewis, he said “I believe in Christianity for the same reason that I believe in the sun, not because I can see it, but because by it I can see everything else.” We love because He first loved us. I pray for you all that you begin to die and that in that death you may find life. Happy Resurrection Day.